know me like a star

the backstory:
A few years ago, I lived next door to a couple who frequently "knew" each other in the biblical sense. Saying that they knew each other loudly would be a terrible understatement. They knew each other in that furniture moving, wall-pounding, "know me like a star" kind of way. You could tell that theirs was a deep-seated love. Once, the guy living under them came up to ask why it could possibly be necessary to rearrange a room at 3 o'clock in the morning only to be confronted by a rigorous, screaming Q & A session of what should go where and how complete with all too many descriptors of the what, the where, and the how. Of course, the Q & A session wasn't about rearranging the room and the whole ordeal was accompanied by the sound of two fishes being furiously slapped together over and over again.

I had insomnia bad enough as it was. This definitely wasn't helping any. After I suffered through one too many sleepless nights because of them, I fired the following email off to a listserv where things were getting much too political and too personal to be entertaining. This was slightly edited for neuroticism and readability.

12/08/98 01:20PM
...my neighbor's girlfriend looks like a poodle that chewed on the wrong end of a jackhammer. Dizzy from this encounter, I supposed she wandered into the street where she was run over several times before she tried to salvage some of her self-esteem by attempting sex with an airhose. Perhaps she is merely the product of a happy pair of siblings who decided it would be beneficial if they dipped her in bleach and tossed her in the microwave before pounding her face vigorously with a sledgehammer and a very large ugly stick (did I mention vigorously?) I often wonder if she had a bar of plutonium for a pacifier. I would not say she was born, or will breed; she was spawned and unfortunately for the gene pool, will spawn again. For her, the best modern cosmetic technologies can only give a shotgun blast to the face. Or has she done that already? I do my best to forget the way she looks... particularly when the noises begin to seep through the walls. Strange noises. Like Godzilla with cramps or Yoda constipated only in rhythmic bursts.

I hope you are all well and breathing. Relax. Let us set aside our differences so that we may train to destroy this enemy plaguing the earth. This enemy, I call it "Fugly" for it is.