more quips

"yeah. so now I'm just surfing the web looking for laptops."
"sweet. I was shaving... I feel like I'm in an ant farm"
"bug problem?"
"no. I don't know. I'm shaving. you're looking for laptops... we must look so boring to some higher being. it'd be nice to do something that would make their version of the discovery channel."

"if I ever started to get fat, I'd go all out. I'd get like sumo fat."

"me saying that I can beat you up is like a non-poisonous snake flashing it's bright colors. it's all for show."

"heaven has three things: bean burritos from mexican taco carts, blue bubble gum ice cream from water and ice and this mint mousse. [to the plate] congratulations mint mousse, you've made it into heaven."
"what makes the bean burritos so good?"
"lard. slabs of lard. I like to think of lard as a piece of fluffy white cloud that puts a little bit of heaven into every burrito."

"I don't know what to do about it."
"I recommend casual sex."
"that's what you recommended for tonsillitis! you aren't an MD!!"

"I may not live well, but at least I don't have to work to do it."
-- character from Slacker (note: not Slackers.)