a moment of silence

Wir müssen durch viel Trübsal in das Reich Gottes eingehen.
We must enter the Kingdom of God through much sorrow.
(Acts 14:22)

about twelve years ago, I attended a fairly rigorous music camp. by rigorous, I mean that every student had a three hour mandatory practice session scheduled every day. in addition to that, there were other blocks of optional practice time which *limited* students to a total of 7-8 hours a day. at the end of the optional evening practice times, the camp counselors would have to go door to door to remove students from the practice rooms 1/ for legal supervision reasons but primarily 2/ to keep the students from practicing so much that they injured themselves.

"fairly" rigorous.

the overwhelming majority of students immersed themselves in their music; some even complained about the 8 hour time limit. nevertheless, there were a few random unproductive students, so we were told that we weren't allowed to leave our practices rooms except to go to the bathroom. having developed a fair addiction to caffeine by that point, I met doug during one of the many trips meandering the halls. (almost every time I was caught and told to go back to my room, my excuse was "I had to pee so badly, I forgot which practice room I was in.")

amid roomfuls of brilliantly dilligent drones, doug sat on his piano bench composing letters home on the backs of his many copies of sheet music. (to stifle idling, students were "strongly recommended" to bring nothing to the practice rooms except their music and metronome.) he claimed that his unofficial goal was to make the letter on the back match the greatness of the music on the front. if memory serves, he wrote mandatory trivialities on the back of etudes ("dear mom, I promise I'm not wasting the money you spent to get me here...") and some hyperblown grandstanding on the back of a brahams or liszt ("... herr direcktor has issued new edicts regarding the productive use of practice sessions...") he never wrote on the back of bach mainly because he wasn't sure he could do even the simplest piece justice. he also said that he was pretty sure that bach simply wouldn't approve of his brand of humor.

we got along well because we were similar oddballs at this pianist factory. we conversed easily about a variety of topics outside of pianos and practicing. at home, we were considered amazing musicians-- an opinion we were both uncomfortable with, considering that at camp, we were right around average. his instructors considered him intelligent, but aimless. passionate, but not driven. and extraordinarily poetic, but lacking the technical finesse to be able to adequately express his poetry. all in all, something of a tragic waste of pure brilliance.

several of our conversations revolved around a theme and variations by liszt that was inspired by a theme by bach. the theme is entitled "weinen, klagen, sorgen, zagen" which loosely translates to "weeping, wailing, fretting, fearing" or "weeping, lamenting, worrying, fearing" or whatever else expresses emotions of sorrow, desperation and helplessness. according to some accounts, bach composed his cantata as an expression of christ's pain on the cross. this pain, suffering and misery amazingly was supposed to be bittersweet; the truly faithful would find themselves consoled in heaven.

liszt composed his prelude and variations following the death of his eldest and most beloved daughter. his prelude outlines an absolutely extraordinary chronicle of grief. it begins with a simple theme as if hearing some news or realizing that something has passed. as the mind attempts to grasp the tragedy, the piece gathers more complexity than bearable, sliding relentlessly toward becoming overwhelming. the noise is cut off abruptly-- forcefully-- to allow for some tentative introspection that, after a brief respite, meticulously degrades again into accelerating sorrow. anger takes frantic hold of the theme and wells up several times before finally exhausting itself. in the final passage, the mind and emotions come to reluctant acceptance. for just a moment, the theme twists whimsically upon itself, as if recounting some pleasant memory or amusing inside joke, before fading again to more peaceful melancholy.

as two morbid high school students, we had much to discuss about the macabre significance of the piece: the abilty of pain to completely saturate an attention; suffering as some sort of purification; the incredible power of resilience. we were anthropologists studying emo before emo had a name.

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the only recording of the piece doug had heard was performed by a hero of his (a great, but similarly technically sloppy pianist) vladamir horowitz. doug thought there was some great significance that it was the last track on the last recording horowitz completed before his death four days later. I didn't realize how seriously he took this significance until near the end of camp, when he gave me his only copy of the sheet music.

he said that the camp had shown him the level of discipline that playing piano deserved. to play a piece as brilliant, as layered and as *important* and NOT have near religious commitment could be regarded as somewhat insulting to the listeners as well as both composers. he said that he had memorized the piece (apparently, he actually practiced sometime, I have no idea when.) and he decided that if he was going to feel like he deserved to play the piece, he would have to work to keep the memory of it alive. "effort will prove worth." if he couldn't maintain a modicum of discipline, well, the prelude would mark the end of his career as a pianist.

he went on to college and practiced more and more sporadically until sometime his second semester, he quit altogether. sadly, his wandering passion and attention had eventually lured him elsewhere.

incidentally, the prelude was the last piece I ever formally performed for a large audience, as well.

Sei getreu, alle Pein
Wird doch nur ein Kleines sein.
Nach dem Regen
Blüht der Segen,
Alles Wetter geht vorbei.
Sei getreu, sei getreu!

Be faithful, all pain
will yet be only a little thing.
After the rain
blessing blossoms,
all storms pass away.
Be faithful, be faithful!